The Bottom Rung Asian

It is a strange thing to be a minority amongst minorities.  It is not an exhilarating feeling of being so noticeably different in an already diverse crowd, but rather that you are different, just as everyone else is.  It is in this varied crowd that everyone ultimately becomes the same.  However, this is not a serious examination of the tangible apathy that hangs so heavily in the air and clings to the students and staff like the secondhand smoke so prevalent of the school and area.  This was at first going to be a very broad and strange little bit of writing, but ultimately, it was shorn down and honed.  I publicly pose this question to all that know me and those who do not, but have stumbled upon this curious oddity in my gallery by some whim of kismet.

Why have I become the bottom rung?  

Well, perhaps that is an exaggeration, but it is not so inaccurate when I recall my experiences.  I say this with some measure of remorse, disgust, and bewilderment: Why have I become the bottom rung Asian?  It is not as if I particularly enjoy being around men who have an "Asian Fetish."  Though, it seems this fetish is less about someone who is actually of Asian descent, but more their subservient attitudes-- something I have in no short supply, I assure you, but it is not to say I am not assertive.  Again, those who know me can testify.  I have a sharp tongue and tones worse than acid when so provoked with a good mind as a solid foundation (quite helpful when it comes to insults).  Even so, the term "Asian" still conjures images of blushing and demure Japanese women and girls in school uniforms that cover their barely-there curves,  bubbly Chinese women in cheongsams or perhaps the vibrant and prismatic street clothes so popular now, or shy long-haired Vietnamese beauties in streaming ao dai in softer pastel hues.  Without doubt, my school has its share of foreign students, a quality I cheerfully note with every step I take in the buildings as ethnic diversity is always welcome.  However, therein lies the problem.  These girls and women are quite pretty-- some above average, others note-worthy because they stand out in stark contrast with the other women.  Either way, they all dress quite well with a subtle sex-appeal and because of their petite frames, they fit comfortably into the clothing that all the other women wish they could.  Perhaps on my non-Asian peers it would seem gaudy and ill-fitting, but on these women, well, they look positively adorable!  Aside from this, their hair is always well-kept, often either straightened, falling in cascading waves over their shoulders, or put up into a highly-stylized and sleek ponytail.  Well, their hair is all of this and usually dyed a muted brown or, here and there, one may find shocking streaks of blonde against the rest of their inky tresses.  Their make up may be one of two options:  A sparse dispersion of powder that evens their skin into a beautiful sun-kissed glow with an appropriate lipstick or more obvious and modern, but still very becoming.  All of them, lovely, delicate, with lithe bodies remind me of deer with their soft features and grace, even when in high-heels.  

I do envy them, but that is all.  I bear no ill-will towards them (though some days, I am so desperately tempted to).  But now, I reach my point.  

Why must men feel that because they cannot get these foreign, goal-oriented women with such exotic, wonted, and archetypical "Asian" features that they can try to attain me?

I have become the bottom rung in my mind.  These other Asian girls, well, they would not bat an eyelash towards you men in my class, not in their lives.  Partly because you could not possibly rival them mentally and the fact that they are quite content with their male counterparts that accompany them every which way.  Their self-assured attitudes seem to throw you off, as why would not they go for such a man?  An American, as it were, who is striving to get his education and my, doesn't he know so many words in Japanese (we all must thank various animes for this, should we not...)!  However, if it is not the way they seem to show no interest, it must be the way they look.  They are unattainable, and we all know this.  You, them, and I all know.  I suppose this is where I make my fateful debut.

I have no soft features, for my face is harsh in comparison, with my semi-high cheekbones and dark eyes framed by the severe shape and angles of my countenance.  My hair is not the glossy black you are so accustomed to, but some bastardized version that appears to merely be a deep brown with thick streaks of cobalt at my temples.  My hair is clean at all times, healthy, and has its original shine as I never dyed its entirety brown (or even tinted it), but because it is not as straight or the same inky black as theirs, it is undesirable though it is thicker and longer.  My eyes are almond-shaped, certainly, but it is not the same as the other girls as they are more wide and open in comparison, but I am not sure you would notices with my eyes continually cast down in shame of my own appearance.  I do not have the same build as the others.  While their curves are quiet and their clothing only shows some semblance of them, mine are pronounced.  The other women call me curvy, voluptuous, and sometimes the word "hourglass" is thrown in, but society and your kind has taught me I am fat on the basis that I am not them.  My skin is not the same pale color as theirs, sometimes surpassing the lightness of the even the other foreign students from the "Eastern Bloc."  My skin is far too dark in comparison, a deep olive, a substantially darker-tan color that some of the other girls so covet and spend a considerable amount of money and time to achieve in tanning beds.  But still, for some reason, you all see it as wrong and ill-placed on an Asian girl's face.  I cannot wear their outfits that compliment their svelte figures as I only cover myself in clothes that are comfortable to me (though I must admit, they hug the curves very well, but even then, you find it unappealing).  It's not as if I am unattractive (I think I am quite hideous while others say I am quite pretty, but the subject of my self-esteem is not the main focus of this rant as I still will defend myself if only for the sake the pride I should have).  So, it is because of these kindly words of loved ones (that I do not entirely believe) that I ask why I have become the, "bottom rung of Asian."  In spite of my shortcomings in comparison to people's expectations, men who appear to have no sense of finesse choose to approach me. It seems as am not that sort of Asian girl set upon the pedestal of people's minds, I am decent enough to approach and maybe, just maybe, may be attainable as I am viewed as something of broken merchandise or perhaps that factory oddity that came out slightly different from the rest in the line.  Not only is a matter of my looks, but the fact that when I speak, my English is perfect. My voice (that is not high and lilting or girlish) does not falter with words, but fall from my lips with ease, unencumbered by the halting syllables of one speaking their second language.  Yes, there are some disappointed looks cast to the ground at their feet when they learn I am American-borne and I do not speak my parents tongue (which is not Japanese or Chinese, the very blasphemy that it should be another!).  Still, they pursue me as if I am a bargain.  Yes, I do not look like the others, but I resemble them enough and goodness, I can speak English very well and I do seem to be smart, so why not give it a shot, yes?

How flattering, truly, to see men take extended, longing glances at other Asian girls and, with a considerably more sullen look in the eyes, see me and try to strike up conversation!  I suppose they could settle for a girl who can speak well, has a dry sense of humor and is well-read on nearly everything, even if her skin is too dark and her hair still close to its natural-state.

But why do I always have to be the one people simply settle for?  Why am I the bottom rung Asian?